If you truly want to change, first you need to know WHY you’re choosing to change. For me it was a change in values. I no longer desired the respect from the streets I bled on. I desired respect from the people I was hurting the most. The ones who loved me unconditionally and had my back no matter what. I changed for LOVE.
Being in my hometown really fucks with my mental health and my emotional wellness. Everyday I drive by areas that remind me of trauma and pain. Places Ive done crimes or places Ive slept as a runaway to places I was robbed or beaten or places I’ve done harm to others. So much trauma and pain caused to me or by me, from being a lost soul. See my child hood has 2 sides. The first side is where I was the new kid in town. I got bullied for years just because, well I don’t fucking know. There came a point where the pain built up so much I was done fighting for the loosing team. This is the side I regret. But I was just scared kid. So I said “Fuck it , if you cant beat em join em”. I though it was a safe bet. I was young and it was survival. Little did I know this cowardly move would add to a world of pain for myself, the people I loved and many other victims of my future life’s destruction.
A few years deeper into this lifestyle something really traumatic happened in my life. I lost someone really close to me. This was the tipping of the scale. I wanted to die so I could be with them, but I truly believed suicide was a sin that would lead straight to hell and thats not where they were. So I decided to live as ruthless and dangerous as possible and if I died as a result so be it. I truly hated being alive. I grew cold and heartless until there was nothing left of the old me and I went all in.
I spent 10 years living a self-destructive lifestyle. Do crime for substances to numb the pain and fund the lifestyle, go to jail for the crimes get out and repeat. Then in 2002 I had a wake up call. My whole life flashed before my eyes and it scared the shit out of me. One true moment of clarity. It was a ‘go big or go home’ moment and I chose to go home. The only thing wrong with that is I no longer had a home to go to. I hurt and lost the trust and respect from anyone close to me. I now had to fix 10 years of pain and deal with why I started in the first place.
All I wanted to do was get outta my hometown. I soon realized the universe wouldn’t let me leave. It wouldn’t let me run away from my problems. “If you want to truly change it happens here first.” So I did. Fully. 180 degrees and I never looked back. I slowly earned the respect from the people who care about me. 1 year later I moved away so we could start fresh somewhere else. 3 years later I came back and have been here ever since.
The transformation wasn’t easy and there are still things embedded from my past behaviour that I still struggle with. I am nowhere near healed or perfect.. City locations, songs, people remind me everyday of the resentments the pain I caused still hurts, but if I had to flip it to a positive I could say, “I believe I’m here for a reason so if life put me here Im going to do my best to give it purpose”. So Im here, I’m present and I want to help others transform their lives and become the best version of themselves and break through the same barriers as I did.