You see, I never planned on living this long, but I made a choice to do so, to not repeat what happened to me to my kids. Was I really going to be that guy that says ‘fuck it I’m gonna keep doing me’. Fuck no. Was it easy? Fuck no.
Think about it.. I’m running the streets for 10 years from 13 – 23, so when kids are playing sports and learning all this shit in school, creating these long lasting friendships and building on skills; I’m runnin the streets robing, stealing and learning how to dodge the cops and trying to keep up with 100 lies. The things I could have accomplished in that 10 years!!
I didn’t plan on living past 20, I wasn’t gonna be around for the consequences so I really didn’t give a fuck. Die by the lifestyle.
I was 19 when I had my first kid. So what? Stop everything, be a responsible father and grow up? Naa man…I’m living in a quick burst of chaos and hell fire, taking my anger out on the world. I’m going out young and angry. I didn’t care about anyone or anything, especially myself, so to ask me to turn it all around. Fuck no. You don’t want this guy raising your kid trust me. The next girl was different. She kinda put me in check a bit. She saw the guy behind the pain and she called him out on his shit constantly. At age 20 I had a baby girl with her. Now somewhere deep I wanted to be around, but still I was in my zone. “Trust me you don’t want me around, I’m bad news and you’re both better off without me”. I was leaving another kid without a father and a girl with a broken heart to be a single teen mom who just wants what’s best for her daughter.
It got hard to still be the same ruthless motherfucker that didn’t give a fuck. Drugs, alcohol and past pain made it easier to keep my heart at bay.
I found myself so torn between what I chose for myself early on, to what I was faced with now. It’s like selling your soul to the devil then 10 years later wanting it back.
Things were different now there was more at stake and more players in the game. I wasn’t only throwing my life away anymore I had 2 kids and a girl that loves me. By the time I figured all this out my kids were 2 and 3 years old.
I decide to turn my life around and man up, but choosing that didn’t mean life automatically got better. I had to earn respect and take responsibility for all the pain I caused. I had to put some real work in because nobody trusted me. FUCK!! living on the right side of the tracks was hard to learn. I’m not talkin tie your shoes shit, I’m talkin deep like how to love or feel or care. I had to recreate a version of myself that I respected. How I did that is a whole other story.